Blog #3

Don’t Hide The Belt

Story by Aaron Morrison


On Monday, USA Today insinuated that children who are spanked have an increased chance of becoming the world’s top CEOs and power brokers. This news certainly comes too late for most college students.

Honestly, how many of us would have taken a few more spankings to have the master corner-office suite, stock options, and a Rolls Royce?

I certainly was spanked when I was growing up. But hell, don’t I now wish I could have been beaten nearly unconscious just before I went off to college. Perhaps I’d have that 4.0 GPA.

The very suggestion that there is a correlation between getting the belt occasionally and becoming the head of a major corporation is a bit absurd, but not totally far-fetched.

While I’m no CEO or power broker, I certainly can attest to the power of a good beating. I remember the time I was spanked in the first grade (pants down with a wooden yardstick from the garage) because a girl hit me and I pushed her back. Of course when the girl told our teacher, I was the one sent home with a “bad news” report for my parents to sign, which clearly stated that I had pushed a chubby, brunette girl during recess.

My mom spanked me good for that one. And while I was angry that nobody believed the girl hit me first, I certainly avoided all potentially physical altercations with the opposite sex from then on. Perhaps this means I’ll be less likely to beat my wife when I get married. But I’ve digressed.

Where was I? Oh yes, pubescent beatings and CEOs.

According to the USA Today article, of the 20 CEOs they interviewed over a few months, all 20 over-achievers admitted to being spanked during their youth. However, most felt being spanked as an adolescent had little to do with the successes in their careers.

That’s complete bullshit.

If I’m going to be beat for most, if not all, of my childhood, something good better come out of it.

In fact, I urge you all to tell your younger brothers and sisters, nieces and nephews, cousins and Godchildren to stop hiding daddy’s belt. Just hand it to him when he comes home from work. Tell him you pushed Suzy Bluesy on the playground today at recess. And don’t forget to mention she broke her neck. That’ll get you a real good whooping.

During the spanking, snotty nose and tears, think of the paid vacation to tropic islands, the country club memberships and expense accounts. It’s all worth it, right?

Blog #2

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Stylin’ and Profilin’ Like a University President Should

Story by Aaron Morrison

So, the Westfield San Francisco opened downtown. Whoopteedoo!

Another reason for staunchly materialistic people to pretend as if they didn’t just spend this month’s electric bill money on Juicy Couture. Another reason for broke students to become broker. Another reason, or rather excuse, for President Robert Corrigan to perhaps style and profile for his political friends.

Mayor Gavin Newsom was there. And that “Shriver lady” showed up. But what was Corrigan really doing there? The extension of San Francisco State University at the Westfield doesn’t open until early next year.

But why pontificate when you can walk right up and ask him?

Corrigan happened to be sitting down on cheesy, retro mall furniture enclosed by red velvet rope. That rope separated the “common folk” from the wealthy public figures, Westfield executives, and “FTE” reporters who were invited to take part in the inclusive yet exclusive opening ceremony.

Corrigan sat, legs crossed, studying a note card as if he was preparing to speak during the ceremony. And he didn’t. Was there a particular new development regarding the extension of the university? Corrigan said there wasn’t, also admitting that the walls had not yet been put up where the extension is to be housed.

Realizing where this line of questioning was going, Corrigan began rambling about the Westfield and how it’s an Australian company, blah blah blah. This effectively turned off any desire to entertain further conversation. However, one can’t leave empty handed from such a rare encounter with the university president.

Many students often admit that they don’t even know what the president looks like. Our estranged president is arguably the least social university president in the California State University system. But it’s clear he’s social enough to rub shoulders with the “important folk.”

Fret not, friends. This is our president at the mall, taken with a digital camera, paparazzo style! Enjoy.